Part 32: One ending, yet another beginning.

2015. The year that could mostly be described as the year of trial and error (and maybe learning something on the way).

This was the first full year I've lived abroad. Possibly thanks to that, when Finland still a year ago felt more like a burden I had to visit, this year I already felt like going back. Apparently a lot, as in total I flew towards north 6 times during the past year and spent all together 54 days there. And still I feel some I would need few more days.

Sometimes it is those small things. A picture, a landscape and a smell
you never thought you'd miss. When it's there - you realize you do.

The year started by me leaving a job and jumping into unknown. That unknown showed there are many opportunities, if you are just open enough to go for them. In the beginning of the year I never could have imagined I would be teaching kids on a summer camp, teaching Finnish in a language school, or working full-time in a start-up. Sometimes I keep on wondering, if I have anything to give to any job, but apparently, based on those who have decided to hire me, I still do. I really thank you for the trust you've had on me.

During the year one relationship came to an end. Surely for the best for both of us, but still it always makes you sad to let something go. To be again a single girl, when people around you keep on getting engaged and married. But just for a status, it would be insane to hold up on anything. Still, for certain moments I feel so happy I had you around - thank you so much for living both the ups and the downs with me for the first half of the year. I will keep on smiling for the silly memories. And surely, for all the hedgehogs I still have.

     

The year with funny hedgehogs. Almost all the time, almost everywhere. 

There has been so many great moments this year. Especially the summer and early autumn were probably the best times I've had since I arrived to Poland. Also trips to Torun, Berlin, Spain and Lithuania had their special twist. 

But despite the great moments, the overall feeling I have from this year is that I would be standing in a crossroad, always waiting or looking for something; being all the time between things and never fully there. And thanks to that, I somehow feel I would all the time be failing in almost everything I do. Especially failing in existing and being in the moment. Failing in being available for people I care about.

Always going - but why, what for, they might have forgotten to tell.

I know I needed to live through it all - move to Gdansk, start building a life from a scratch. Feel sad and lonely, then yet again joyful and happy. Set too high goals and feel unsatisfied when not fully reaching them. Work too much before learning to take it easy again. It might have appeared I've been distant, busy and drown into my own world from time to time, but I guess mainly to figure out some things I apparently had to figure out. 

So 2015 has definitely been a good-bad year. A year with happy moments that could make me cry (out of greatness of them), but also a year with long periods of stress, frustration and inadequacy. As always, hard times are there to teach us something. And so, after spending last 4 days home sick with an intention to make a review about my last year and defining aims for the next one (but never actually doing so), after writing this I actually know, what I hope for 2016.

And that is: to be. 

To be who I am (and to whom I am turning into all the time more and more).

To be the friend, the daughter, the sister, the grandchild, the possible girlfriend, the colleague, the flatmate I am. Be that more, be that more actively. Have time for others, have the time to be there and help whenever and however needed. Be connected in ways there's no need to doubt. 

To be more open. Be open for possibilities that cross our ways. Be open for new people - who could tell what kind of a role they might play in our future. Be more open for others: for their time and their help. Small hedgehogs tend to hold things to themselves and keep on struggling, but maybe allowing others to get closer wouldn't harm.

To be. Now. A head can be filled with questions, plans, ideas and worries related to future, but when wondering too much what could be, there is a risk you miss, what there is now.

And definitely: not to be busy.

When the theme for 2015 seemed to be 'If not now, when then', the ones for 2016 could be 'Focus on what matters' and 'Be there'. 

For now the only things that are fixed for next year are 2 concerts in April. Which means, there are still 364 days (thanks to leap year) to make plans for and to live and enjoy together. I have no idea what all next year will bring along, but I try to stay open for it. Allow it to happen. Hopefully, with some great company around.

For these themes, I will wish you all the best for the New Year 2016. I hope it would turn out to be, if not what you wanted, at least what you needed.